Hello prenatal vitamins, Goodbye Martinis!

"Let Mommy write one post then I'll feed you okay?"

As soon as you see that positive pregnancy test your whole life changes. All of the sudden your completely responsible for someone else's life. Hello prenatal vitamins, Goodbye Martinis! No one tells you how hard its going to be. 2 months after the birth of my baby boy and its all about dirty diapers, breastfeeding, thrush, and worrying about sleep schedules.

These first two months have been insane. Its all a blur. I wanted to write about everything but I was just too damn tired! Breastfeeding has been the hardest thing I've ever done. It was full of complications! The first time I fed the baby was 1 hour after he was born and he ate so fast he choked and had to be put on CPAP! I struggled with cracked sore and bleeding nipples for weeks and just when things started getting better at 6 weeks I was diagnosed with thrush!

At 7 weeks when I had my check-up with the doctor I failed some post postpartum depression survey and had to meet with the social worker. She said I didn't have PPD but I had severe anxiety. I was having panic attacks all the time and getting really snappy with my friends and family. If anyone said anything about how to take care of the baby I would freak out and turn into the biggest bitch. I would run off and have a panic attack. It got so bad that I wasn't leaving the house and couldn't be around more than 2 or 3 people at a time. I just wanted to do everything perfectly and be the best mom in the world, I would get so frustrated and angry with myself when I didn't achieve that (which of course was all the time).

After the talk with the social worker things have been going much better. I let myself mess up every now and then without punishing myself. I have learned and accepted that just because things are not getting done exactly the way I do it, its not the wrong way. I have been working on taking suggestions and criticism with a grain of salt. I have a lot to learn and I'm still getting used to my new life. I still feel like the babysitter sometimes and feel like "when is his mom picking him up!?"

I wonder if I'll ever feel like a mom. My world has flipped upside down but inside I just feel like the same girl. Mommyhood is so much harder than I thought it would be.